Wednesday was a taxing day of rightful frustrations and stress on my part. I was at a "mentorship" PD session for beginning teachers, which educated us about planning, how to use and cover the curriculum, effective assessment, etc. It was all a review and/or common sense to me, but it wasn't a complete waste of time, as I WILL say that it was a good reminder of things I should be doing on a daily basis*. So the day should have been a nice, easy review of what I already know, and a much-needed non-instructional day. Why, then, did I feel so deflated afterwards? I think it boils down to this:
I am growing so frustrated that the focus of music in schools is performance. Don't get me wrong; I think that music performance is an important, even vital, part of what music is. But it's certainly not the most important thing...at least not in my opinion. These past 2 weeks have been the epitome of all the hesitations I've had since early last year about going into teaching at all. If you read back to this post I wrote some of my ideas about teaching in an alternate way, and my frustrations with "The system". There are lots of things I love about my job; but recently the constant barrage of resources, new teaching methods, advice and paperwork is completely overwhelming and has unfortunately taken over any enjoyment.
I had actually written an entire blog about my feelings after that day, but upon further reflection, I became aware that none of you want to read an entire post about me whining. Yes, journalling is important, as my imaginary therapist would tell me, I'm sure. But this isn't a journal. That's why I usually limit my posts to when I'm in a good mood (...except for today, I suppose, for which I'm much more stoic). I even tried marketing the post as "an observation and honest self-reflection of the post-honeymoon teaching phase" instead of "Becky whining on a public site". I left it for a few days to let it steep**, returned with fresh eyes and found that the tone was inadequate for a public forum. Onwards!
After a stressful night almost in tears with mom on the phone on Wednesday, I figured Thursday could only be better, right? I was optimistic for the first few waking hours of Thursday until I arrived at school first thing in the morning and found out that someone had gotten into the band room and completely ruined a snare (punctured a quarter-size hole in it) and messed up my bass drum as well. AWESOME, guys. Not to mention my (and I quote, from the supply teacher), "woefully unprepared" students for the concert in about a week. I don't want them to be embarrassed or feel unsuccessful, but it's killing me that they're not practicing and therefore not getting better.
But, that's just a material thing, right? We can get the drums fixed. Kind of like my car that I smashed up on Friday.
Yep, it happened.
Thursday night was mayhem in the Mind of Becky. I was working on planning and re-vamping some ideas for the students until around 12:30am. When I finally hit the sack, I rolled around for about half an hour, despite feeling totally exhausted. Then, I had the pleasure of waking up at 4am, mind racing about everything happening right now, and I wasn't able to fall back asleep. My alarm was an unwelcome call. Maybe my tiredness somewhat contributed to the car situation, but I truly don't think so. Basically what happened was a fluke. I hit one of those cement parking stall divider things. And it wasn't just one of these little dinky things:
It was a full-out like 2-foot high one...like a fricken' highway divider or something!
And no, thankyouverymuch, it was not one of those stupid "Women can't park" things or "I was speeding in the parking lot and deserved to hit it" things. It was just so snowy and everything was so white that I honestly couldn't see that this snow-covered object was 3D, sticking up in front of me. Until I hit it, of course. On my defense, my boss told me that he was there later that day and said he would have hit it too, had he not seen the exposed cement and see where it had been dragged along the ground a bit...thanks to me! I'm trying to see it as "I saved my boss (and likely others) from doing the same thing". Still, I'm an idiot, I know.
Luckily, it didn't completely DESTROY my car; it just busted the front bottom corner, broke the windshield fluid reservoir, and broke enough other things to cost around $1800. Thank god for insurance.
On my father's discrection, I'm going to wait out the body work until after winter, in case any more cement blocks that decide to sneak up on me. In the meantime, I've snapped the broken part back in place, so all you can really see is a crack. The mechanical stuff will be done soon, though. I went to get a professional to take a quick look at it right after it happened and he said it appeared to be okay...but then today it made a really weird sound when I started it and I smelled something...uh...mechanical. So I just want to be sure! I don't feel safe driving as-is, so I need someone to tell me I'm going to be okay!
Speaking of snow, and the wonderful GP weather...here is a direct quote from an email sent at one of my schools that I thought you might enjoy :
"A balmy -24 with the wind chill so we will have outside recess."
Did you get that? BALMY -24.
But don't pity me. Seriously. -20 in dry cold feels like -10 in Ontario humidity. This realization, and the presence of super-light-and-fluffy snow only, has really helped me become less afraid of these -40 days I've been warned about.
We are in the middle of a massive snow-warning. It's been snowing for probably 5 days now. And I don't mean it's snowed every day for 5 days now. I mean it literally HAS NOT STOPPED SNOWING FOR 5 ENTIRE DAYS. And it's supposed to keep on snowing for the majority of this week.
I'm starting to think I'm just the bringer of bad weather. Remember the year I was in Scotland, it was the most rain they'd gotten in 50 years? Perfect. What a trait.
Anyway! Gotta go - I'm trying to have a social life these days so I'm going to go bowling!
Until Next Time,
B.
*Interesting to note, especially for my Ontario friends, was that many concepts (like backwards design and Gradual Release of Responsibility) are brand new here! Whaaa?
**fun fact: steep is one of my favourite verbs!
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