In September last year, it felt like this day was so far away.
I'm sitting here on my bed, in my very own Johnston Halls room. My life here is about 3/4 of the way packed into suitcases, and my walls are starting to lose their personality as I take down pictures and posters from the walls and clear the cards and letters from my bulletin board.
This is such a horrible feeling. It seems like I just got here and already I have to leave.
I've packed 2 suitcases already, and I think they're both overweight. I do have one more to use, but I still think I'll have too much. The hard part is deciding what to leave here. There's a few things I want to take as momentos, a few things I can't to bear with, and I just wish I could bring it all home.
I can't lie -- I'm SO excited to see my family. I had a dream last night, and I was in Union Square (the new, big shopping centre) and then my uncle Ashley just walked by me...and he said "Oh, hey Becky""oh, hey". They weren't excited. And I was ecstatic. like it was nothing. And then I thought to myself 'if he's here, then my mom and sister must be here too!' So I started walking in the direction where he had come from, and soon I saw the both of them. And I ran up to them and hugged them, and they were kind of just apathetic, like how they are when I just see them on a normal day during my life in Kingston. Like
I'm QUITE sure that's not going to happen today, but anyway, even though it was an odd, sad dream, I am just SO EXCITED for them to get here! So excited that I woke up at 7:30am. SEVEN THIRTY. For any of you who know me, I would usually sleep until 2pm if my alarm doesn't go off. So yes. I'm excited. I'm VERY excited. I can hear a plane outside right now, and I'm wondering if maybe it's my mom and sister and uncle right now, looking out a plane window trying to see me.
I hoovered my room this morning (I think I like saying it that way better than "vacuum". It just rolls off the tongue better!) and I have pretty much have everything ready to be put into the suitcase that my family will bring for me.
I just said goodbye to Heather and sent her off with a bunch of my stuff that I won't have use for after tomorrow -- my alarm clock, aluminum foil, baking supplies, dishes/cutlery...you get the gist. As much as I support donating to charity, it was nice to know that it was going to be put to good use, and that it was helping someone I know...you know?
It still hasn't hit me that I'm leaving. Kind of like it didn't hit me that I was ever coming here. This whole experience is like some kind of massive dream. It's so surreal. I'm in SCOTLAND. And soon I'll be in London (for a few days). And then I'll be home.
I keep saying my goodbyes to people, always wondering if I'll ever see them again. Always hugging them and saying what a wonderful year I've had, and feeling like I'll just be back next week and we can have tea or meet at Zeste or have a quartet rehearsal or sing Wicked together. I keep having my last get-togethers, and yet somehow, it really just hasn't become reality. When it does, though, I'm sure the waterworks will come. I'm just hoping it won't be on a plane beside some smelly, apathetic man.
Here's Tugba, the night before heading back to Turkey; followed by Alex on our last play day together, with her Barbie frisbee; Alice and Tash and I at JP's celebrating the end of exams, and Nina and Chris, at Kilau! :)
Nina and Chris, at Kilau :)
If there was ever a clear sign for anything, I think I got it this morning. When I woke up at 7:30, I laid in bed for a few minutes, and then I heard this weird noise coming from the corner of my room. I didn't think twice about it because it only happened once, and then I realized when I woke up that it was a picture that had fallen off the wall. Those pictures, blue-tacked onto my wall, have been up since September. And this morning was the day that they started to fall off. It's like my room was saying, "It's time to go".
It was so incredible. You might think it's a coincidence...but I don't think it was. As sad as I am to leave, when I look back on all of the things I've done, I'm very happy. I got through a horrible sick spell by myself (I'm still convinced it was Swine Flu...), did well in all my classes, made some amazing friends, traveled to Stonehaven, Banff, Oldmeldrum, Bamoral, Glasgow, Stirling, Edinbugh, Dublin and Sligo in Ireland, all around Devon, and more. I saw some amazing sights and castles, experienced culture, went to some ceilidhs, drank lots, smiled more, and discovered things about myself as fast as I was discovering things about Scotland. Two days ago, Heather and I woke up early and swam in the North Sea. It was freakin' cold! Some people thought I was crazy for doing it, but it was just something I wanted to do. I wanted to touch the ocean on this side of the pond, and I wouldn't have chosen another day or another person to join me.
This is the ferris wheel I've been on about 3 times now! Love, love,
LOVE it -- great view of the entire city, and the beach! :)
One thing I really loved about cleaning up my room was all the love that I found. All of the birthday cards and Easter cards and even odd cards like Hallowe'en and thanksgiving and valentine's day; all of the letters and postcards from friends in all different places; all of the post-it notes that my floormates had left on my door, wishing me good luck on an assignment or just telling me that they appreciate our friendship; all the gifts that were sent overseas from family and friends that I've missed so much. Looking at all of these things, sprawled out on my newly-hoovered carpet just reminded me that I'm so loved, and nothing, absolutely nothing, can replace that feeling.
So much love!
In a strange way, I really like packing. I don't like leaving, but I like packing. I like fitting things all in together and trying to distribute weight properly and figuring out how to squeeze everything in, and what things can be left behind. I'll be leaving this room empty of posters and school supplies and shoes and clothes and teacups and jewelry and towels and sheets. But if these walls could talk, they'd tell you stories. I'll be leaving some memories with them, some good and some bad, and all important to the incredible development of me as a person in the past 9 months.
Think about how many emotions have been between these four walls: Excitement, nervousness, joy, fear, love, loneliness, stress, happiness, relief, anger, frustration, giddiness, sadness, hopefulness, and so many others. This year has been a (very enjoyable) rollercoaster, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. The bad days only made me appreciate the good days even more, and I've learned so much in so little time.
It doesn't seem right to have to say goodbye to this place, to these people. I still feel like there's so much I didn't do; so much that I want to come back and do. Maybe I'll come back in 3 years or so, when all my first-year friends are graduating, and see it all again.
Until next time,
Becky
This pretty much sums up everything:
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