Ah, the good ol' days. This year, I didn't even have a single beer on St. Patty's day. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO!?
Today, I'm sitting, stressed and defeated, praying to God that these next 3.5 months will fly by so I can just go home. This is what gives people grey hair and heart attacks. I've even started going to church to find some solace.
I'll also admit something else: Today, I reached a new low: I counted the teaching days left.
Sure, teaching can be an extremely rewarding profession. I'm sure of that, because a few of my teachers have changed my life. But unless you call irrational, rude, unnecessarily irate parents, concert stress, overwhelming paperwork and phone calls, and report cards "rewarding", then I'm not sure I know what you mean. When I think about work, I get this horrible dropping feeling in my gut. I'm starting to dread going to work, other than to see the students. The days are getting longer as my temper is getting shorter, and I watch myself and don't see the person, or the teacher, I want to be.
And yes, I know that I can't expect to be a pro at teaching after only one year; and yes, I know that making it through the crappy days make the good days seem even better; and yes, I know that there are going to be tough days in every job. But I'm starting to think that my gut was right last year when I started looking for a job. Maybe I'm just not cut out for it after all.
I feel that I am at a crossroads : Do I let these things scare me away from the profession? Do I run away when things get tough? Or do I keep on trudging through the muddy spring trenches? On one hand, I don't think it's right to run away from what might be something great because of a few bad days; but on the other hand, no job should make you feel this horrible, ever. One day I hope I can open my own business/school/company, where everyone is made to feel important; every day. Teaching is a profession in which is it so easy to get looked over; forgotten; to go unrecognized. And as much as I hate to admit it, I need that verification. I need to know that I'm doing okay. And when the only feedback I hear is when people have a problem...well, sorry, but that's not good enough for me. To be honest, even all of the "You'll make it" "Ah, you'll survive" and "Just keep on going"s, aren't very encouraging at all. We're not just supposed to survive our jobs; we're supposed to thrive. We're supposed to make a difference and touch lives (freestyle rap, anyone?)
I wish that I could see 5 years into the future. Am I teaching? Am I in Ontario? Am I away somewhere exciting? Am I working with kids? Am I even happy? If I was fortunate enough to have a glass of wine in my hand right now, I'd raise a glass and say, "Here's hoping".
To top it all off, tomorrow's my birthday, and I couldn't be less excited. What with the concert stress, festival looming in the distance, piling up work and endless daily emails to sift through, I'm even finding it hard to even fake a smile. Spring break can't come soon enough.
64 days and counting,
Negative Nancy
If Becky could add a thing or two, she'd say:
I think I just need to have a chat with myself in the mirror:
"Toughen up. Don't let it get to you. You know better than that. Just make it through to the light and there will be something better waiting for you there. You tried something new and you learned a lot, and you never have to come back if you don't want to. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Just wade it out. In the words of a very famous fish: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming."
2 comments:
Thanks for sharing Becky! Your words hit home for me, and I found myself nodding up and down, agreeing to everything you wrote. I too am counting down the days until spring break...and I am embarrassed to admit that. Teaching has been so hard. No one ever tells you the cold truth about what the job can be like (especially the behind the scenes paperwork, grading, and NEVER-ENDING lesson prep). My boyfriend and parents keep telling me that it will get better, and that I have to change my attitude and see the more positive things. Like the fact I'm living in Sweden...haha :)
At the end of the day, what keeps me going is the fact that I don't see myself doing any 1 career for ever. I am trying this teaching thing out, and I am going to give it my best shot. Maybe everyone is right, and the first few years suck, but then once you have all your lessons planned and have more practice with the paperwork, and grading, and parents, then maybe it gets easier. So I'm putting all my effort into doing the best that I can, and I will keep doing that for as long as I can. Five or so years from now, I'll re-evaluate. Am I happy? Does this feel like the right career for me? Am I still stressed out of my mind every day, or am I finally feeling like a teacher who is inspiring kids and making the difference I hoped I would when I first got my BEd.
xo Jules
Becky, I agreed with you every moment too! I am so torn about what to do. I have this teaching degree that I feel needs to be "put to use" but when I think about going for that job in teaching, I think of my practicums where I was just "gliding". Not uber happy, not uber sad, just there and tired and frustrated. There were good moments too but all in all they made me ask the same questions you are.
I completely agree with Jules that I don't see myself doing one career forever and I keep telling myself that. Perhaps I will teach in the future, perhaps I will not. While visiting Ned in Toronto, I met one of his friends who I found out used to teach for 12 years but he decided that it wasn't for him anymore. He now is the music director at a church and has started his own music program for kids(where he gets to see those wonderful children once a week for only 3 hours rather than 6 daily). I totally understand your frustrations and questions because I am asking them too. I've decided that I want to explore and have recently been hired at the public library as an information technician. I am excited to start this new journey where I still get to teach but in a completely different capacity. I've slowly began to realize that teaching doesn't take place solely in a classroom and I can still make a difference to many people no matter where I am.
I'm happy that I am not the only one who feels this way. I would be happy to share my new found resources with you if you would like. I wish you the best of luck with the rest of the year and with your soul-search.
Miss you,
Michelle
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